Apathy and Frustration
So, it goes like this. The past few weeks have been mighty hectic for me. Plenty of social events, working later than usual at my new job, extra personal commitments etc. I kept busy and therefore could keep my negative thoughts out and be one of those who are more ignorant to the points that I raised in earlier blog posts.
But this weekend, in a more rare moment to reflect, I woke up.
Truth be told, I had been treading a very fine line recently with regards to emotions. I finally, unfortunately, tipped that balance, drank a lot more alcohol than I usually would, and essentially made a fool out of myself subsequently. I woke up feeling terrible, but I didn’t have a hangover. It was a moment of realisation. I still don’t know who I am, what I like, what I dislike. I felt betrayed, I felt that my efforts with my friends, with making myself the best person that I can be, with everything, were for nothing. I felt like every time I wanted to further my life or make others happy, it was given a negative slant or it was another excuse for some hurtful gossip and drama. Simply put, I was confused, sad and frustrated.
Unlike other occasions, it’s stayed at an extreme for a long time. I haven’t wanted to do anything. The first thing I want to do when I get out of bed, is get back into bed. I haven’t wanted to meet up or even talk to my friends, I just feel lonely, underwhelmed or rejected either way.
At the risk of this being the apathetic rant of an emotionally confused man, I will say that it is with reason. I’ve outlined all of my theories on life in earlier posts, and those thoughts have come back to life, at a time where the group of people I hang out with have become more and more out of touch with their emotions, more and more frigid and work-driven, essentially becoming the personification of the things I truly despise, and it’s saddening to see. But it’s even more saddening to have us fall more and more out of sync, because they are happy to fall into this meaningless, loveless grind, but I distance myself from it, and try to seek emotion (specifically love), and a meaning to the most strenuous of routines (or an alternative to it).
I wear my heart on my sleeve, and put out as much of my emotion as I still can tap into; and with that, get hurt a lot easier too, but at the end of the day, I live by a relaxed, slow lifestyle in most aspects, but when it comes to happiness and love, to quote the great Robert Herrick;
“Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying.
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying.”
We may never know how long we’ll be here, or how long certain opportunities will exist, or what would happen if you’d just put your heart and soul into something, so I do it as many times as things matter to me. Why others don’t is beyond me.
